I've been feeling pretty anxious lately, and things start to make me feel pretty overwhelmed quickly. Today I had to focus my mind and take some deep breaths. My host sister even told me I looked very serious today and asked if I was sick. I've just been stressed and trying to figure out how to do too many things at once.
So, I have my classes to consider. I've been helping A LOT with the Access program and it's super difficult trying to divide my time between the two groups which unfortunately have class at the same time, so I feel like I'm letting them down :(
Then, I have my teacher at the public school that I barely get to see because she only has morning classes 2 days a week and I've missed some with trips to Managua and vacation. The public school is just a big stress for me. I really don't like being there because there are WAY too many kids there just running around not doing what they're supposed to and there are no consequences to their actions. Then, since I barely get to see this teacher, I don't really know what she's doing in class and she can't really speak English so that makes things interesting. Now there's a new teacher who replaced my old counterpart and she's asking me to help her with all of her classes, but I had just decided to stop working with my old counterpart before all the controversy happened...ugh! I've been kinda avoiding this new girl, who by the way is only 19 years old and teaching high school. Yikes! I feel bad for avoiding her, but I think it's part of my anxiety lately.
Ok, also I'm right in the middle of my research and survey madness, spending hours and days and weeks on my computer searching for contacts to send out my surveys and trying to respond to emails from school districts and complete specific research proposals. I went to Managua to meet with the Country Director about my project and ask for her support with volunteer surveys and that meeting went really well and the email got sent out right away. That helped!
Oh and I have a boyfriend. When I feel totally overwhelmed he can usually calm me down, but he's busy too with all of his projects, so when I can't vent, that's frustrating. I'm so thankful I got to be with him this weekend though, even for a short visit. Stress relief: we cooked together, played games together, watched a movie together, went out to dinner together, and just talked about life. I love my man.
Another thing...my teaching license renewal process has been driving me crazy since I didn't receive my renewal packet, but I found the forms online. Unfortunately though, I still have to print them all out and send them in. I hope the mail system here doesn't fail me on this one!
One more thing, Gonzaga. So my program has not been the best about communicating with me and just plain "checking in". That's been a disaster. I gave up awhile back, but then I really needed some help with transcript issues and about a month and a half later, they're finally taking care of it. Not cool.
Oh yeah, my Nicaragua. Just being back with all the quirks of my Nica family and Nica culture has been driving me crazy. I got a little upset with a bus guy today, and that's when I did my deep breaths.
Ok, this one is the last I promise. Everyone asking me what I'm doing when I get done and where I'm going to be. This is something I should be excited about, but it creates anxiety too because things are coming up quickly which means I gotta make some decisions, finish up my service, wrap up my research, and figure out my life. Yuck. Haha
Well, there ya go. I dumped it all out on my screen for you. I have had anxiety attacks in the past, but now that I'm aware of what it is when I feel that way, I'm a little better about focusing and calming down. Part of me just wants to be done here because all I wanna do is go HOME and curl up on my couch and be with all things familiar and comfortable. I know that's not possible right now and I really don't want to just check out and not finish things. It's a struggle right now, but my fellow PCVs whom I've talked to are pretty much in the same boat, and the PCV manual says these feelings right now are completely normal. I'm not sure if that's as comforting as it's supposed to be, but I'll take it.
Right now I'll be positive and take things one step at a time.
Now I'm anxious. Actually, blogging helps release anxiety. Perhaps one thing you may want to try is exercising. When my wife was traveling a lot and I was left taking care of our little one, I found myself awake and anxious at night. I couldn't relax. I changed my diet and decided to visit the gym and do cardio.
ReplyDeleteDiet plays a big role in your health. Some foods and drinks have caffine or artificial flavors or corn stark or sugars or additives that can ignite your anxiety.
Just my thoughts. Good luck.